Whether you’re drinking Bud Light at the Samsung Galaxy stage, or checking your Samsung Galaxy phone at the Bud Light stage, Lollapalooza always offers the best in alternative-to-the-mainstream music, just like the festival has since the nineties!
Friday
11:30am-11:55am School of Rock Kidzapalooza Teach the kids how to mosh!
12:15pm-1:00pm San Fermin Palladia Napping during San Fermin will give you the most complex, vivid dreams possible.
1:00pm-1:45pm Temples Bud Light Catching Temples will make you wonder if you’re still taking a nap, and if you are, that nap has now become an acid-drenched nightmare.
2:15pm-3:00pm Courtney Barnett The Grove Perfect place for a post-acid come-down, Barnett will strum you to safety.
3:30pm-4:30pm Warpaint Lake Shore I’m a feminist, so I’m going to see this band based on their reputation for being women.
4:45pm-5:30pm Blood Orange The Grove I’ve heard this gentleman is a terrific up-and-coming r&b experimenter, but I’ll just be there for the free blood orange cocktails they must be handing out.
5:30pm-6:30pm CHVRCHES Lake Shore This is the soundtrack to dancing like an idiot.
6:45pm-7:45pm Lorde Bud Light Have you ever been around someone who is annoying you by trying to sing along to a song that they don’t know the words to? That’s me during “Royals.”
7:30pm-8:30pm Lykke Li Lake Shore This is the soundtrack to eating over-priced food.
8:30pm-10:00pm Arctic Monkeys Bud Light The plan: get as close to the stage as possible, and yell Queens of the Stone Age song titles during the set’s quiet moments.
Saturday
11:30am-11:55am School of Rock Kidzapalooza Check in on the kids, have they learned to mosh yet? Next step: crowd-surfing.
12:00pm-12:30pm Jon Batiste and Stay Human The Grove If ?uestlove of The Roots loves this guy, then so do I, because ?uestlove and I are exactly the same in every way.
12:50pm-1:30pm Benjamin Booker The Grove Uh, hi Benjamin Booker, my name is Kenneth Preski. I have no idea who you are, but your name seems nice enough, and I’ve got some time to burn here.
1:45pm-2:45pm Parquet Courts Palladia Finally, an indie rock band from Brooklyn! So authentic.
3:15pm-4:15pm Duke Dumont Perry’s This guy has cool music videos, and hopefully they will be played on the big screen while he fiddles with techno-gear and exhibits zero stage presence as a dance music producer.
4:00pm-4:45pm Rich Homie Quan The Grove Any law-abiding citizen knows that marijuana is illegal and will not attempt to bring it into the Lollapalooza grounds. This is the set where you go make friends with citizens who don’t abide by the law.
5:45pm-6:45pm Nas Palladia GO SEE NAS. I mean, at the House of Blues aftershow he’s playing with Vic Mensa.
6:45pm-8:00pm Spoon Bud Light OK, I’ll be honest with you here: Spoon is the best rock band in America right now whose popularity is owed to a soundtrack appearance on the hit television show “The OC.”
8:15pm-10:00pm Outkast Samsung Galaxy The only person in the park who will be able to out-irreverent myself this weekend is Andre 3000, who has had the courage to wear a “SOLD OUT” tag during reunion performances.
Sunday
11:30am-11:55am School of Rock Kidzapalooza If the kids can’t mosh and crowd-surf by now, then simply demand a refund from whatever “school” this claims to be. I believe their final step to rockdom is when they OD on OJ.
12:00pm-12:45pm Bear Hands Lake Shore Only attending this set to protest with a sign held-high proclaiming that “BEARS HAVE CLAWS NOT HANDS!” Animal rights are important.
2:45pm-3:45pm Trombone Shorty & Orleans Avenue Bud Light Skipping ahead a few hours here because I assume I’ll have chained myself to a barricade, which will take some brass on my part. Hey, speaking of brass…
3:45pm-4:45pm Run The Jewels Palladia I thought “You Were Meant For Me” was a great song, so I’m happy to see that Jewel’s still around.
5:30pm-6:30pm Flosstradamus Perry’s Judging by the band name, I can only assume that this is a group of psychic dentists.
6:45pm-7:45pm Childish Gambino Bud Light Since Gambino’s latest is also a script, this is the perfect occasion for a live theater troupe to really stretch their legs.
8:30pm-9:45pm Chance The Rapper Perry’s I like that this young man has such a clearly defined presentation, and so I will be attending this set as Kenneth The Listener.
